The Princess Bride: A Tragedy
by noflexgirl254
Summary: A slightly crack-y take on what it's like being married to a closeted Vaatusexual. Oneshot.


"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…"

As the fur-draped shaman began to drone, Malina grinned conspiratorially at her soon-to-be-husband. They knelt facing each other at the banks of the northern spirit oasis, the shaman between them and the corporeal spirits, Tui and La, circling languidly under the water's glassy surface. It was such a romantic setting for her wedding, Malina thought to herself as she tuned out the boring old officiant. She preferred to focus on the deep green foliage of the oasis, its striking boundary with glittering white snow, the ghostlike mist which descended over the guests at the evening wore on, seeming to invest them with all the solemnity of the sanctuary's spiritual presence – and, of course, her bridegroom. Unalaq gazed at her seriously throughout the marriage ceremony, never reciprocating her smiles, but Malina didn't mind. She was all too familiar with his deep reverence for the spirits, not to mention his general lack of a sense of humor. Once all this ritual was over and they were finally alone together, he would be all hers.

Or so she thought.

"Unalaq? Unalaq!" Malina called as she emerged from the bathroom to find her husband nowhere in sight. "Oh, there you are," she added as he entered the room as if on cue, an indistinguishable bundle of black cloth in his hand. "What, married two hours and trying to run off already?" she teased.

"Ever the witty one," Unalaq replied coolly. "On the contrary, I simply went to get you something."

"Really? Let's see it, then," Malina said excitedly, plopping herself down on the bed.

Unalaq strode over to her, dramatically shaking out the material he carried.

It appeared to be a dress, and it was the strangest dress she had ever seen. It was black, fitted down to the ankles where it suddenly flared and split into numerous long strips of cloth which trailed on the floor like a morbid train. There were no sleeves, but similar black streamers hung from the shoulders. The bodice was embroidered with swirls of red and orange thread, extending down in a roughly diamond pattern.

"Um…I don't get it."

"It's a nightgown," he snapped impatiently. "Kindly go change into it, if you wish to go to bed with me any time soon. I find the one you're wearing quite unacceptable."

Malina felt her cheeks grow hot as she glanced down at her blue silk robe. "I mean, sure, if that would make you happy," she said slowly, taking the gown from Unalaq's hands, "but I don't really see the problem with my outfit. It's basically just like yours, you know."

"Well, I'm not marrying myself, am I?" Unalaq retorted loftily. "Now put it on."

She did so, and was not particularly pleased with the result. "What the hell, Unalaq? I look like an octopus!"

"More like a kite, actually. An _enthrallingly_ beautiful kite." His eyes practically glazed over with delight as he smiled at her in a way that she would have found sweet just a few minutes earlier, but now made her slightly uncomfortable.

"Th-that's so…sweet," she managed, her words ringing loud and false in her ears. "Well… _darling_ …since you like your weird tentacle dress so much, I guess I can wear it for you tonight."

"Thank you," Unalaq murmured into her ear, embracing her warmly. "I must repeat, you look absolutely ravishing, Vaa – um, I mean, Malina. I'm a very lucky man." Slowly, Malina returned his hug, more befuddled – and disturbed – than ever. Outside, the moon shone brightly, its rays illuminating this very lucky man, and his not-so-lucky bride.

"So that was three days ago, and that was the last time he…well, you know. The forty-sixth time, to be specific. I've been keeping track since our wedding." The room relapsed into awkward silence as Malina folded her arms behind her head and fixed her stare on the ceiling, awaiting Yama's reply. There were not actually any psychotherapists in the Northern Water Tribe, but Malina figured that the renowned healer had enough counseling experience just by virtue of her profession to be of some help. At any rate, there was no one left to turn to. Malina scowled up at the icicles dotting the ceiling of the repurposed cave that was the healer's office, her eyes darting after the little glints of light that danced across their surfaces in a futile attempt to distract her from her plight.

"And you have never discussed this…ah… _situation_ with anyone else?" Yama's voice cut loudly across the room and Malina jumped as she was jerked from her reverie.

"You think I haven't tried?" she snapped. "Obviously my parents would be the first people I'd go to for advice, but they just don't want to hear it. They were over the moon that they managed to snag me a prince, _the_ prince that fluked into inheriting the throne, no less, and they refuse to entertain the idea that their match is anything other than perfect. Now they're mad at _me_ for being 'ungrateful' and I'm just – _ugh_!"

She kicked her foot out violently on this last interjection, sending a large chunk of ice flying. It whizzed dangerously close to Yama's head before smashing onto her desk, sending shards skittering through the wet ink on her notes.

"Sorry," Malina muttered sheepishly. "Got a bit carried away there."

"Not a problem, my dear, not a problem at all…" the healer replied vaguely. "So back to your story – this was an arranged marriage?"

"Well, yeah, like pretty much every marriage in this tribe," said Malina, her tone once again impatient. "But that was never a problem for me. Unalaq and I had the opportunity to court for several months before the wedding, so I thought I knew him pretty well by the time I married him. I actually _liked_ him and _wanted_ to marry him! I never would have guessed…" Her voice trailed off again, and she sighed. "You know. It's like the second he put a necklace on it, so to speak, he did a complete one-eighty. But even that's not totally true –" She paused again, casting her eyes to the ceiling yet again as she searched for the right words. "Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but it's like all those quirks of his that never used to bother me have taken on a really creepy meaning in light of his…"

"Proclivities," Yama supplied helpfully.

"Yeah, sure. _Proclivities_."

"And do you think you could explain some more about these proclivities? What about them makes you so uncomfortable?"

"GEE, I don't know!" Malina exploded, bolting upright and flinging her arms out exaggeratedly. "Whatever could it possibly be? Holy spirits, where to start! Maybe it's the fact that unless I wear that damn black tentacle dress he can't – you know – or how about that he only ever refers to sex as _harmonic convergence_ and it's more than a little off-putting – or – or –" She paused, gasping for breath, and blushed furiously as she stuttered out the last embarrassing detail. "And…and he's really into dirty talk…except his concept of dirty talk is _'Fuse with me, Vaatu._ ' Every. Single. Time." On the last syllable she flopped back onto the long couch, sighing deeply and suddenly feeling very tired. "So in summary, he creeps me out. In case you hadn't noticed."

Yama nodded maternally. For several minutes she remained silent, making more notes, a faint smile playing at the corners of her mouth. Malina folded her hands over her stomach and resumed her gaze at the ceiling. At last, the healer rose from her desk as slowly made her way over to Malina, who smiled at her eagerly, relieved to have gotten all this off her chest and looking forward to some practical advice.

"Dear, I must tell you…" Yama began. Malina's smile broadened.

"…That I have no idea what to even make of this, and I'm afraid I can't help you. I recommend alcohol."

Without a word, Malina leapt off the couch and stormed out of the office. She made her way back to the palace on foot, scarcely noticing the piles of snow she trudged through or the flurries of it that nipped her face. As she entered her room, her fingers semi-consciously went to her engagement necklace. Pulling it off, she glanced down at the smooth blue disk and realized for the first time that the design carved on it was the same as the one embroidered in red on her black tentacle nightgown.

Malina screamed.

She scarcely had ten minutes alone to herself before Unalaq walked into the room. "Why the long face?" he sneered. Malina scowled. "Well, it's actually a good thing that you have that expression down pat," her husband continued airily, "because I'm afraid I have some bad news. Avatar Aang has passed away. As I am my father's official international representative for the Northern Water Tribe, we will of course be attending the funeral. We depart for the Southern Water Tribe tomorrow."

With that, Unalaq spun around and exited the room, his robes swirling flamboyantly behind him.

It was a dull, cloudy grey day, the depressing ambience thoroughly befitting the somber occasion. Malina sat with her husband on the stage reserved for all the foreign dignitaries come to pay their respects, her mood as dreary as the overcast sky above. How strange it was, she thought to herself as she half-listened to the many tearful eulogies for the deceased – the Avatar, the last airbender, he who had defeated the Fire Lord and ended the Hundred-Year War, founder of the United Republic, victor over Yakone, loving husband, father, friend, _Aang_ – that less than twenty-four hours ago she had been so agitated over something so trivial in comparison. Of course, she recognized that the second Unalaq attempted another round of "harmonic convergence," her relationship issues would come right back to the forefront of her mind. But for now she fought back the tears that pricked at her eyes with surprising intensity for someone she had never met, Unalaq barely a blip on her radar as she mourned her Avatar along with the rest of the world.

As it turned out, Unalaq was back on Malina's mind much sooner than she expected, and for once it wasn't because of disturbing behavior on his part. After the funeral rites concluded, she accompanied him on an extremely awkward visit to his brother Tonraq, whom Unalaq hadn't seen since the former's banishment to the South Pole, not even at his wedding. After introducing herself to her brother-in-law, Malina fled to sit with his wife Senna, eager to avoid witnessing any antics her husband might pull at the reunion. Fortunately, Tonraq and Senna's newborn daughter Korra provided a welcome distraction.

"She's gorgeous, Senna," Malina cooed as she bent over the baby. Korra opened one eye at her and promptly began to scream. "Oh no – I'm so sorry – did I do something?" Malina squealed as Senna bounced and rocked the flailing infant with a distinct air of not knowing what she was doing. "No, no, you're fine," replied Senna with a tired laugh. "She's a very vocal one. Strong, too. I already have a feeling she's going to be a handful, and she's just three days old!" Meanwhile, Korra had fallen fast asleep and was looking deceivingly angelic nestled in her blue swaddling clothes, the rosy tint to her chubby brown cheeks the only sign of her little tantrum. "Kind of a bit soon to say," said Malina, unsure of how to respond. "At any rate, many congratulations." "Thanks, Malina," said Senna, letting out a small sigh despite her smile. "I only wish her birth had come in happier circumstances."

"Yeah," Malina murmured. She glanced down at her hands fidgeting in her lap, then back over to Senna, whose expression remained sad as she idly stroked Korra's hair.

"Did you ever meet Avatar Aang, Senna? I imagine he visited the Southern Water Tribe now and then, since his brother-in-law is the chief."

"Oh, yes," replied Senna, perking up immediately. "Aang was amazing. He was just the sweetest guy. He always did this awesome airbending trick where he'd spin marbles between his hands. I didn't really know him that well, though. I had more contact with Katara – she showed me some healing tips whenever they came around." Senna paused and looked down at Korra again. "Did you know Katara delivered her? It was literally hours after Aang had passed away. I felt so bad for her, but she insisted. I guess she was just glad for the distraction." She sighed. "Anyway, it will be interesting to see how the world manages without its Avatar, since the next one won't be in the picture for several years."

"Who knows," said Malina lightly, hoping to cheer up her sister-in-law. "For all you know, it could be Korra herself! She was born at literally just the right time and place." Grinning, she reached over and tickled the sleeping baby's nose. Korra opened an eye again and Malina quickly withdrew her hand. Senna's face suddenly darkened, and Malina realized to her chagrin, that her words had had the opposite of their intended effect. "You know," Senna said slowly, "I would be lying if I said Tonraq and I haven't thought of the possibility. But it's really not something I want to worry about right now. We're still just trying to adjust to dealing with a newborn, and that's enough responsibility as it is."

"Oh, of course," Malina said hurriedly. "I'm sure it takes a lot of getting used to. I guess I'll find out when I get there."

"So…" Senna leaned in, grinning conspiratorially. "Are you trying to 'get there' yet?"

Malina looked at her blankly.

"You know, having a baby," Senna said rather impatiently. "Starting a family. Reproducing. Do you have any plans of doing that soon?"

"Not at the moment," Malina replied. "I've only been married six months, I'm not sure I'd be ready to take on another major life change so soon. I always kind of assumed we'd wait a few years. Besides-" She dropped her voice to a whisper and glanced around the room nervously. "I'm not sure Unalaq is quite, um, _mature_ enough for fatherhood yet."

"Really?" asked Senna, raising her eyebrows in surprise. "I mean, obviously you would know better than anyone, but Tonraq always described his brother as kind of an old soul."

"Maturity…comes in many different forms," Malina muttered, fixing her face into what she hoped was an expression of nonchalant neutrality, but in reality looked more like a grimace.

"Well, don't worry about it," Senna said bracingly. "You guys will be just fine. I promise, whenever you do get around to having kids, he'll grow up really fast. It happened to Tonraq practically overnight, it was amazing!"

"Really?" asked Malina, perking up immediately, practically able to feel light bulbs going off in her head. "Now how on earth does that work?"

"I have no idea," Senna said with a shrug, "but it did. Tonraq – now I adore him and all, but he can be _such_ a meathead – well, basically, he used to spend all his free time working out and sparring with his buddies. But as soon as Korra was born it was like a 180-degree shift. I still can't believe how responsible he is. He does everything on schedule, he's helping with chores, he gets up at night if she needs it, and when they're together it's just the most adorable thing!"

'That's wonderful," Malina said warmly. "But…I hope I don't come off as rude for saying this, but she's only a few days old, you know."

"Oh, I know," replied Senna cheerily. "Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but my mom and all the older ladies assure me it's permanent. They all say that when they had kids, their husbands took a major turn for the better. The one downside, though" - she gazed thoughtfully down at Korra, stroking the sleeping infant's hair – "is that we're too busy to have as much time together anymore. But at the same time, you bond a lot over a baby, so it's okay."

Malina paused for a moment, her eyes widening as she processed what Senna had said. A sudden, strange tingle of happiness spread over her, and impulsively she through her arms around her startled sister-in-law's neck, hugging her fiercely. 'Thank you so much, Senna," she said, grinning almost manically and barely registering the other woman's confused expression. "You have no idea how much that helped. I can't really explain why, but it did." Senna nodded, unsure of how to respond. Malina laughed, and the two women proceeded to spend the rest of the evening chatting away over a variety of topics, Malina feeling light-hearted in a way she had not since – well, she realized, her good mood dampening slightly, not since her marriage.

Malina was still in high spirits as she and Unalaq left Tonraq and Senna's house, for she could not stop turning over what Senna had said in her mind. She couldn't believe she had never thought of children before – all the therapy sessions, all the crackpot schemes for dealing with her weird husband, and yet the most natural (literally) solution had not once crossed her mind. If only she had a child, Malina thought wondrously to herself, then all her problems would be solved. Unalaq would be so busy with it that he would leave her alone. Even if he refused to take an active role in raising the baby, so much the better for her: she could always plead fatigue, and never have to put on that stupid tentacle dress again. Or maybe, she thought to herself, a bit of sadness coloring her musings for the first time, maybe having a child could even restore her hopes of ever having a normal relationship with her husband. She recalled what Senna had said about Tonraq's newfound maturity, and how baby Korra's arrival had only strengthened their marriage, but the brief swell of optimism that rose in her heart was quickly tamped down by the nagging reality that Unalaq was not a normal person. Malina kept her head down as she strode behind her husband on the way back to their sleeping quarters, unsure if the glimmers in her eyes were reflections on the snow or tears.

By the time she and Unalaq made it back to their chamber, Malina was in a peculiar mental state. On one hand, during the trek back from her in-laws' house she had completely made up her mind: her mission in life from this point on was to get pregnant, which could either jolt her husband into sanity or drive him away from her. Either option would be an improvement. On the other hand, though, the second Malina entered their room, her fantasies of childbearing as a cure-all were shattered by the remembrance of what it actually took to make a child. She watched in a daze as Unalaq packed for their departure the next day, horrified as she slowly realized the great irony behind her plans. While a baby might be her escape route from Unalaq and his weird spirit-tentacle fetishes, who knew how many times she would have to subject herself to them in order to conceive one? And that wasn't even taking into account the possibility of multiple children. Malina gulped nervously as she noticed a black ribbon from her tentacle nightgown dangling out of the stacks of clothes Unalaq was going through. _Get it together, Malina_ , she thought to herself as she steeled her mind for the inevitable. _Think long-term. You've got to think long-term._ Her decision made, she straightened her back, squared her shoulders, and sashayed over to where Unalaq was still fiddling with their luggage. "Why don't you take a break from that, sweetie?" she cooed, her voice artificially high and flirtatious. "Let me distract you for a bit. It's been a while since we… _harmonically converged_." For once Unalaq was speechless, staring in shock as his wife proceeded to yank the tentacle gown out of the clothes pile and make a show of putting it on. As Malina began to seduce her bewildered husband, her attempts at coquettish behavior belied her grim fixation on her goal. At first she worried that her attempt at an alluring smile looked more like the twisted maw of a dark spirit, but as Unalaq approached her with his familiar hisses of _Vaatu_ , her concerns quickly dissipated. Knowing him, she thought as she stifled a wave of nausea, he would probably be into that.

" _Push_ , Malina, you've got to push!"

"Spirits, will you shut up already?! I'm trying!"

Malina topped off her exclamation with an unnecessarily loud groan, just for good measure – the midwife's constant admonitions were really starting to get on her nerves. The fact that she had been trapped on her back for the past six hours, cramping everywhere possible and only half-lucid from pain as her attendants stomped annoyingly in and out did little to improve her mood. Gritting her teeth as another contraction came over her, she marveled at how just a year ago she had looked forward to this day with every fiber of her being. Now, in labor, she wondered for the first time if having a child was worth all this, even if it meant a permanent excuse to avoid her so-called husband.

Just as she completed this thought, she began to register the midwives' voices swimming hazily about her head in an indistinct cacophony. "Did you hear me, Malina? I said congratulations! You have a beautiful baby b– wait, hold on a second…"

"What's wrong?" Malina managed, her own voice sounding slurred to her ears. "Am I done yet? Please tell me I'm done already!"

"Yes, well, about that," the midwife replied cautiously. "It appears that double congratulations are in order."

"Wait a second…you mean there's… _another_ one? I'm having _twins-_ AAAAARRGHHH!"

Malina's scream tapered into silence, suddenly punctuated by the unmistakable sound of a baby's cries. As the room swam back into focus, any hope of having misheard the midwife evaporated as Malina registered the irritating woman's face above her, locked in a manic grin. "How _fun_ ," the midwife gushed on, oblivious to her patient's death glare. "Twins are so _cute_ \- "

"Oh, I'm sure," Malina snarled, officially out of patience with the woman's chattiness. "How about you hand them over so I can see for myself?"

The midwife nodded, finally looking somewhat embarrassed, and silently placed the babies into Malina's outstretched arms. Malina couldn't help but let out a little gasp as she gazed down at the twins in wonder. Despite being different sexes, they looked exactly the same, right down to their matching dour expressions. In that moment, she completely forgot the months of self-interested plotting (and, indeed, masochism) that were responsible for their existence; for now, they were her precious little babies, divorced from their intended function getting their father off her case.

This touching sentiment did not last long. Within minutes, a team of attendants materialized and whisked the twins away to be bathed and prepared to meet Unalaq. Malina slumped back on the pillows, pouting a bit as she anticipated her husband's appearance but overall still happier than she had felt in years. She was still optimistic that Unalaq would be as infatuated with their twins as she was, and even dared to fantasize that the paternal bond might even spur him toward some semblance of normalcy.

Just then the door opened, and the attendants marched into the room with the now-sleeping twins, swaddled in matching blue blankets. And close on their heels was Unalaq, and for one brilliant moment Malina felt that her fantasy had come true. Unalaq entered the room with a large smile, clutching a bouquet of flowers from the spirit oasis and a gift bag in the other. He hovered impatiently behind the servants until the babies were safely back in Malina's arms and then practically dashed over to kneel at her bedside and get a better look at them. Finally he looked up at his wife, still grinning broadly. "Congratulations, Malina. You did a wonderful job," he said, and even through the stiff formalism of his voice she could hear the slight quaver that betrayed his excitement. Malina gazed at her husband with a mix of awe and delight, still not quite able to believe what she was seeing. Had her plan really worked, then? Could she look forward to a happily ever after of perfect family life, all thanks to the twins? One which would hopefully never contain the word _Vaatu_ again?

"…Malina? Did you hear me? I said I redecorated the nursery last night. Come and take a look!" Malina snapped out of her reverie to see Unalaq beckoning to her, already halfway out the door and with one twin in his arm. "Sure, I would love to!" she replied, lifting the other twin out of her lap and struggling out of bed. Happily she pattered down the hall after her husband, obediently closing her eyes when he asked her to upon reaching the nursery door.

"Surprise!" Malina's eyes flew open to behold a beaming Unalaq holding open the nursery door, and she eagerly bounded into her babies' new home.

It was black.

Malina did a double take, rubbing her eyes to make sure she was seeing properly. But there was simply no mistaking the black curtains fluttering over the windows, the black carpet on the floor - and –

Above the crib dangled a mobile. It was carved out of wood in a roughly triangular shape, painted black with orange appliques whose design was all too familiar. Hanging down were black streamers, and their slight undulations in response to the arctic draft coming in from the window were the only motions in that still, silent room. As the ribbony appendages fluttered and curled above the crib, there was no mistaking the resemblance to tentacles.

Malina fainted.

~EPILOGE (lol)~

"And that, kids, is how I met your father." Malina crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair, nodding seriously at the twins seated in front of her.

"Mother, that's revolting," Desna said flatly.

"Utterly," muttered Eska, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "Why on earth did you feel the need to tell us that?"

"Well, you asked," Malina shrugged. "Anyway, better run along and make sure you've packed everything. I don't want to hear any complaints coming all the way from the South Pole."

"Why do we have to go to the Glacier Spirits Festival anyway," Eska complained as she and her brother slouched out of the room. "Leave it to Dad to drag us literally across the world for the privilege of some uncultured peasants' company."

"Indeed, Eska. I don't know what _possesses_ him to go every year…"

"And that's exactly why I'm not coming this time!" Malina called cheerfully, waving to the slouching backs of her departing children. "Your dad gets quite… _weird_ …around the Glacier Spirits Festival time –"

"MOTHER!"

"…Sorry."

Malina continued to smile as the door shut behind the twins, but her mood quickly soured as she thought of the twins alone with Unalaq for several weeks. Strange though her children were, she couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt for abandoning her position as buffer between them and their certifiably insane father. "Well, they're old enough now," she murmured unconvincingly to herself as she wandered absentmindedly towards the picture window on the other side of the room. It was sunset. The orange tongues of light streaming into the room lit up into dazzling golden flecks as they hit the glassy surface of the sculpted ice windowsill. Outside, the city's buildings gleamed a similar yellow hue; but on the horizon, the sun cast deep orange spots onto the still waters of the darkening sea. The color combination, picturesque though it was, stirred a vague feeling of discomfort in Malina that she could not quite put a finger on.

…Until she could. As the shimmering orange patches danced and rippled over the black water, they conjured up horrific images of certain patterns on a certain dress…and of the waving motions of tentacles…and Malina leapt back from the window, triggered beyond belief, and even as she did so Unalaq's voice rang out through the icy chambers, calling her name.

"Malina!" He and the twins were about to leave, and he was calling her to see them off. Malina stood in the middle of the room, arms wrapped tightly around herself, shaking. She did not answer. Of course she would go down eventually to say goodbye to Eska and Desna, but Unalaq was the last person she needed to see. Not after last night, the entirety of which he kept her awake with his terrifying hisses of _Vaatu_ , among other…activities.

Malina sighed, and composed herself. "Coming!" she called out, and slowly she opened the door and headed down the desolate ice corridor, focusing on the thought of her children and already pretending that her husband wouldn't be there. It was not without a healthy dose of self-hatred that she realized, halfway down the hall, that she really wouldn't mind if she never saw him again.

Little did she know that she never would.


End file.
